While driving on the New York State Thruway last week, I passed a car with a bumper sticker that said, "I Vote Pro-Life." Always on the lookout for someone to tell me what to do, I rolled down the window and started screaming at the driver, "I love life! I want to vote Pro-Life, too! But WHO do I vote for?" Even though we were going 70 miles an hour, the person then locked the doors and pretended not to hear me. Pro-Life, but Anti-Manners. Am I right?
This left me with a huge dilemma. As someone who decides what to believe based on people's bumper stickers (Free Apartheid! End Tibet! Or something like that...), I needed to figure out which party to give my new-fangled Pro-Life vote to.
I seem to remember Republicans saying things about wanting to create a "Culture of Life," which I can only presume runs parallel to the Democrats' "Society of Death." But, I'll be honest: I didn't watch the conventions last year. So, let's go through the positions one by one.
I know that Republicans are against abortion. So, setting aside the argument about when life begins, let's just say that, for purposes of this exercise, the Republicans come out ahead on the Pro-Life scorecard here.
(Of course if the life of the mother was in jeopardy, then the "lifeiness" would be cancelled out and I'd just leave it to the woman to choose. Actually, I'd say the woman was actually, like, super-alive, seeing as she is in fact already alive, and therefore it's the most Pro-Life thing to do to save her. Suck on that philosophizing, Plato.)
Next up, the environment. I know this is a big issue right now, because there was a huge article about it in USA Today. Had I read it, I'm sure it would've been informative. I'll tell you what I did learn - 35% of Americans eat hot dogs year round! If I'm ever on Jeopardy then that little tidbit could come in mighty handy...
Anyway, I know Republicans must support the environmental movement, being Pro-Life. I mean, geez, nothing can be more Pro-Life than protecting all life - human, plant, and animal - and ensuring that our children are not born with autism or develop asthma due to environmental issues. Isn't that Pro-Child? Isn't that a solid Family Value? Well, turns out that apparently Democrats are more interested in environmental issues. Hmm. This one is so obvious that there must be something I'm not seeing...perhaps trees murder people, like in the Lord of the Rings movies?
Ok, well, let's move on, because I am voting Pro-Life. And as a humungous proponent of my own life, I want to remove things that can end it, like, say, guns. Obviously a true Pro-Life party would not support pieces of legislation that would make it easier for someone to acquire a gun and shoot up a school, military base, or worst of all, someplace where I am. So I asked myself, "Which party is more Anti-Gun ?" When I didn't answer, I asked my friend, Google, and was immediately provided with over seven million answers. Let's just say that The GOP went 0-7,000,000. I can't wait to figure out how on Earth they have come up with the rationale to name themselves the "Party of Life!" Are they really just The Irony Party? What a fun cliffhanger this is for me!
Moving on to health care, the big issue of the day. Republicans don't want universal health care; Democrats do (generally speaking). The GOP seems more interested in smaller government and lower taxes, while Dems seem to be more interested in making sure everyone can see a doctor when they're sick...so they don't, you know, die...which is a very un-Pro-Life outcome. Wouldn't a true Pro-Lifer want to pay a little more in taxes to ensure that everyone has access to medical care? Isn't that Christ-like? I guess Republicans are more Pro-Flat Screen TV's. Hmm...I do love flat screen TV's. Might have to cheat and put this one in the Republican scorecard...
Next up, the death penalty. Let's see here...whoops...looks like we've stumbled onto a little incongruous ideology. Republicans are staunchly for capital punishment. A prime example of this fact is George W. Bush, who, when he was governor of Texas, presided over more executions than any other governor in recent memory. Not only did Bush think 'clemency' was "that pitcher on the Yankees," he also executed retarded people like it was going out of style. And, P.S. - it HAS gone out of style. Big time. Not cool anymore - really not since the mid-20th century in a certain European country. But this isn't about one man, it's about an entire party that calls itself "The Party of Life" while supporting the death penalty. I mean...DEATH is one of the two words there in the "death penalty" issue. Again, am I missing something here?
Stem cell research. This one is easy. Alex P. Keaton has Parkinson's Disease and he's a diehard Republican. He's always talking about the importance of stem cell research to cure diseases and to ease suffering. What a wonderful world it would be if there were cures (or at least treatments) for: Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and other debilitating diseases. Shouldn't being Pro-Life mean taking care of life, you know, ONCE SOMEONE IS BORN. I'm not particularly Pro-Fetus, or Pro-Embryonic, Microscopic Blob, but I am Pro-LIFE. We need compassion in medicine and we owe it to our fellow man to give him the best chance to not suffer. And, son of a bitch! Wouldn't you know it, "Pro-Life" Republicans generally are against stem cell research? How could they betray Alex like that?! Wow.
Then there's war. Obviously this is about as cut-and-dried as you can get from a Pro-Life perspective. Certainly, some wars are just and necessary, albeit always tragic. But to be hawkish - to start wars without a burning need to protect the LIFE of your own citizens - is NOT a Pro-Life position. Ask the Pope how he comes down on the war in Iraq (hint - he's as against it as he is against prophylactics). If I'm not mistaken, war works like this: You try to kill as many of your enemies as possible until they give up. You invariably kill innocent civilians, and you always get a bunch of your own troops killed. So...how can so many Republicans say they are Pro-Life, seeing as killing is a massive impediment to life? Maybe Republicans are only Pro-American Life, just like they're really only Pro-Fetus.
A cynic might say that it appears Republicans stop giving a shit about life the second someone is born, due to...overwhelming evidence. But they don't see what I see: The image of a tree stabbing an American citizen in the throat with a scepter made of stem cells, and that citizen, thanks to the public option in health care, being put to death by a government-run Death Panel, while the tree is put to death by lethal injection, which is actually a good thing because the feeling of vengeance is exceptionally gratifying in the short term and therefore worth it (again, suck on that, Plato). And this image can be seen on my 1080p HD, 50 inch TV. I love my TV.
Well, there you have it. I am voting Pro-Life in every election until I die (where I will then look for candidates who are more active in Zombieism Issues). I hope you'll join me and weigh for yourself which party values life more, which is clearly the...OOOH, LOOK - a bumper sticker that says: "Don't Like My Driving? Call 1-800-F**k-Off."
Where'd I put my cell phone?